I Am the Main Character in My Life
By Abbie Vanessa
“Not being good enough” mentality is exhausting. Growing up in a very traditional Hispanic household, I had to start breaking old customs and ways of thinking. None of that resonated with me, and it never has. It made me feel uncomfortable, yet I always had to make sure I didn’t let my family down. I felt guilty, not making my family proud or happy with everything I did. I decided to ask myself and other people in my life questions about what they thought about their worries and insecurities. I wondered what discouraged them from either doing what feels right to them. I even asked them about the dating world, and they were worried about not having enough to seem intriguing or valuable. That makes me feel sad, and I hate hearing people talk so low about their value. For one, you are not alive to impress others. You don’t owe anyone anything, and you shouldn’t put that on others.
I use to think so negatively about myself. I would stress over how I looked, overthink everything I did, and worry about all the “expectations” my family had because I’m a Latina and a female. The pressure not to fuck up was high. I’m the youngest and the one who challenges others the most. Growing up, my parents were irritated at how much I questioned and didn’t accept how things were. I believed their way of thinking for a while until I decided to live my life for myself and thought, why do I have to live life the way many do. Most are doing what the “right” way to live life is, and it has never been enjoyable to me.
“Do not allow anyone to take away your growth and discourage you from trying something they feel is impossible to do.”
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I don’t like routine and this “order” we need to follow. Everyone is so different. It would be weird for everyone to do the same thing. I didn’t take the “regular” route in life. I did go to college, but to please others so I wouldn’t start an argument on how I would always struggle if I didn’t go. I changed the way I thought and did what I wanted, and let me tell you I put my all into it. I have my expectations as a person, and its so much fun living a life where you’re the main character and have control. I wake up every day feeling how can I be better today. How can I be better for others but also for myself because I don’t like to have bad energy around me or pass it on to others? It affects my feeling and others in such a big way. There are so many things I need to do to be the person I want to be but can confidently say that I am a genuine, caring, and talented woman.
I remind myself by looking back and seeing how I was and where I’m at today because I stopped letting others define me. I refused to ask people around me if they were proud because the ones who mattered just told me. You never have to ask the people in your life if you’re “good enough,” they will show you.
“I am not what I do. Not what I own or where I live. It’s how I am as a person that defines me.“
I noticed when it comes to dating, and you start to see all of the things that you are insecure about that really shouldn’t even be an issue. For example, I found myself trying to remember all the cool activities I did in life to seem appealing. I started feeling low because I felt like I wasn’t good enough, BUT that’s not who I am. I am not what I do. Not what I own or where I live. Its how I am as a person. I want someone to view me for me, not my property. It took a lot of reflection to get out of this mindset, and it got me thinking about how others are feeling. Also, how they have the pressure to have their life together before bringing someone into it. We can have our perfect lifestyle one day, and get it taken away the next.
People will always find something new to comment on when you do accomplish what they didn’t expect you to do. I’ve noticed that many people I come across feel stuck in their own life and some hate seeing others around them do better. Do not allow anyone to take away your growth and discourage you from trying something they feel is impossible to do. You have to tell yourself every day that you are proud of everything you’ve created and learned. Give yourself a lot more credit. Now enjoy another day.
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There are plenty of people in this world that will adore you and see you as you are with your virtues and your imperfections. Allow yourself to go out and find them, and when you do, keep them close. Love yourself, and don’t let anyone discourage you from doing what you want because it’s not about the path others want for you. Why waste your life on the expectations of others?