Category: Mental Health

Giving My Younger Self the Confidence I Need By Abbie Vanessa

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Giving My Younger Self the Confidence I Need

By Abbie Vanessa

“If you could go back to those moments where you felt attacked in past relationships, what would you tell yourself?” 

I was asked this fascinating question the other day. I was talking about how shitty people were as I was growing up. Oh, how I wished I would have had the confidence that I have now. I could probably write a whole book on all the different times I was too timid to stand up for myself when people disrespected me. There is one instance that I remember the most. I had been dealing with a very toxic person at the time who made me fear for my physical well-being. I walked on eggshells when he was upset because of his reaction to situations frightened me. At that time, the mental damage he could cause didn’t cross my mind.  

“No matter the type of abuse, it leaves a mark in your life.”

Honestly, no matter the type of abuse, it leaves a mark in your life. To this day, there’s a particular situation during that relationship that gets me riled up. As I write about this story, I will refer to my ex as “douche face.” 

Picture it, a cheerful company Christmas party at a beautifully decorated venue. People are enjoying each other’s company, eating good food, a fun photo booth to take pictures with friends, people showing off their dance moves.

Douche face and I sat at the same table with his new boss and boss’s wife. I was chatting it up with the wife, she was super lovely but just stayed at the table. I asked her if she wanted to hit the dance floor. She did, but the music was not her style. I wanted her to have a good time, so I requested the DJ to play a few songs she said she liked. 

Let me tell you, we were having a blast busting moves on the dance floor. She mentioned she liked songs by Selena. The Latina in me screamed with joy and said, “ OHHH MY GOSHHH I LOVE SELENA!” We were enjoying life until douche face comes up to me, grabs my arm, gets close to my ear, and says, “ Remember, you are a lady, so act like it.”

Bitch when I tell you I was fuming…….I stood there for a second to gather my thoughts, knowing I couldn’t say anything in front of everyone. I was so overwhelmed with anger that I had to take a walk, and I lost my shit. My friends at the party cooled me down, but I will never forget that moment. Douche face expected me to be a trophy wife or a robot that just sat there while he did whatever he wanted to. That is not how this was going to play out. 

“Don’t you dare give this insecure man any of your tears.”

So, what would I tell myself if I could go back to that very moment?  I would walk up to my younger self, grab my other arm, and say, “ You better dance your little heart out girl. Everything he just told you, brush it off. Don’t you dare give this insecure man any of your tears or reactions. You are a lady, and ladies can do whatever the fuck they want to do, and we live under no one’s shadow. You let that terrible man be miserable and angry by himself.” I’ve learned never to allow a man to mold me into something I’m not. I’m not a toy that’s going to do what you want. 

For the longest time, I thought I had something wrong with me. Wondering how I am supposed to be? GIRL, I WOKE UP ONE DAY AND SAID FUCK THAT DOUCHE FACE. I WILL BE NO ONE’S SHADOW, LET ALONE A MISERABLE BITTER MANS. So, I decided to drop that whole relationship and work on who I wanted to be as a person.

I worked hard for two years, and I feel super stable. I don’t allow anyone to tell me how to be. Not even my momma. And she pooped me out of her body. The point I’m trying to make is that you should find what version of yourself makes YOU the happiest and not allow others to change your views about yourself. 

Unless you are that shitty person, you should probably change and be better.

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The Healing Power of a Bracelet By Marquesa Lola

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The Healing Power of a Bracelet

By Marquesa Lola

Hello, this is Marquesa Lola. You don’t know yet, but I love bracelets, big or small. Especially those, which hold some type of deep meaning to me or represent a priceless memento. I wear them on both my arms, a few inches thick, looking a bit cluttered on my wrists. But, hey! I like them that way. And there, among all the bracelets, buried, conspicuous, unspoken for, there is a very small and special bracelet. Oh the healing power of this bracelet!

It is a bracelet I bought by pure chance at a local coffee place. It is not the best looking of my bracelets and hardly anyone ever noticed it on my wrist. However, It sits there heavy and at times it weighs a ton or two, making my heart feel heavy. My bracelet is always present in my mind. Every morning I rub it as if it were Aladdin’s Lamp  wishing  for freedom, my emotional freedom.

“Every morning I rub it as if it were Aladdin’s Lamp  wishing  for freedom, my emotional freedom.”

If I had to describe my special healing bracelet, I would say its leather straps hold what looks like a silver time capsule that holds a rolled parchment inside. I would have never noticed the fact that the parchment was inside the silvery cylinder, as I am not very observant, but this time I did. When I unscrewed it and opened it, the parchment popped out. I unrolled the parchment, and immediately I understood it was going to have an important role in my life. The paper had been designed for the purpose of healing me and that was the reason why it was there. 

Its purpose was to remind me of something critical. I was at a very low point in my life. So it seemed logical to me, I would use that parchment to write an SOS message to the inner me. This is what I wrote, “This bracelet will witness my recovery and it will only be opened at that moment, and the parchment will be burned in a special witchcraft type of ceremony, sprinkled with Champagne .” This will only happen the day I heal from the emotional abuse received throughout my life by the one person I trusted my life with,  the father of my child, my life partner. 

“It had been designed for the purpose of healing me.”

The day I will heal from the emotional abuse that led to self-doubt, self-judgment, and emotional deflation is not that far. I am beginning to feel moments of clarity which I had not had for the last two years. Some of the clarity, I won’t lie, I attribute to therapy, yoga, meditation, and walk with friends. But mostly to the fact that I am beginning to detach from the codependency that I suffered for decades towards this very toxic person. 

The note I wrote inside, has been on my wrist, locked for two years, hanging from my arms, amongst hundreds of other pretty bracelets. But, this inexpensive, subtle, plain bracelet is the only one that is a testimony of a promise I made to myself. I vowed to never remove it from my wrist until the day I will be totally healed. The bracelet remains on my wrist still today. One day, I promise, it will no longer be there.

I keep telling myself, “it is a matter of time.”

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My Baby Pug Turns Three Months by Abbie Vanessa

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My Baby Pug Turns Three Months

By Abbie Vanessa

My baby pug is now three months. Winston is such a good boy! I started to take him on walks and train him to go potty outside. Grass was introduced to him about two weeks ago. He LOVES tiny leaves. It makes me giggle every time he finds one and he does little zooms (runs supper quickly out of nowhere). It’s enjoyable seeing him explore everything. I tend to forget that he was literally born not too long ago and everything is crazy amazing to him.

“It’s enjoyable seeing him explore everything.”

Treat Your Dog

I have a friend that will be training him and she talked to me about doing a whole month training. It would be like a mini boarding school and honestly it did not sound great! I don’t know how I feel about letting Winston go away for a month this young. Let alone how I would feel if he dipped out and was not being able to see home. Shit it would traumatize me and him!

Look I don’t need my dog to be a robot. I just want us to be able to communicate so we can live our best lives. Was there anything we could do before going to that extreme? I suggested that I want to be there with her as she trains him as an option as well.

I’ve been able to teach him so many tricks. He really knows how to listen. Compared to other dogs he is a tiny dude; he’s still intimidated by other dogs because of their size.

Before the quarantine I was taking him to puppy play at petco every week. He doesn’t seem to care too much for it. He’s around humans all day and it makes me wonder if he thinks he is a human himself.

He started to be a bit more vocal with myself and others. This is very cute but also a bit terrible when it comes to timing. 

“This boy gets so much attention from so many people!“

This boy gets so much attention from so many people! We went on a walk the other day and probably every 5 minutes you could hear someone say “OMG! He is so cute and tiny!!!! I’ve never seen a pug puppy” I have to whisper in his ear “you a little ugly” just so it doesn’t get to his head. I don’t want a dog that walks around like he is the Brad Pitt of pugs. LOL

Alsoooooo! Guys! I’m so done with buying this kid toys. I got him so many so he wouldn’t be bored and tell me why he enjoys just playing with every outfit I wear, a plastic cup, lint on the floor, even his pee pee pad. BUT how does one not buy everything for the cutest puppy ever! I literally want to shower him with toys, food, and love!!!!!

Anyways, today I’ve taken him outside like 4 times and he still hasn’t gone potty. I bet he is waiting until I don’t see him to just do his business indoors and I’ll find it as a surprise. Honestly, I think about what he thinks when I pick up his poop. Like maybe he thinks I keep it all and thats why he does it indoors so I can find it easily LOL

Training him and teaching him new tricks is really easy. I swear he is the smartest puppy I’ve ever met. I nod at him and he does it back as if we both said “whatsup.”

I’ve taught hims how to howl!! I was doing it to him for a cool minute and I’m assuming he got so annoyed he mocked me. Regardless it made me so happy. Im a proud momma.

A++ for Winston. 

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COVID-19: Our Very Own “Science Fiction” Movie by Marquesa Lola

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COVID-19: Our Very Own “Science Fiction” Movie

By Marquesa Lola

When I heard about COVID-19 back in December of 2019, I thought, that is “Science Fiction.” Not anymore. These days the word pandemia is mentioned every day in the media, on your zoom meetings with families and friends. Even at the supermarket. With COVID-19 you almost feel like you are inside a “Science Fiction” movie as you carefully and cautiously parade into the grocery store wearing face masks, gloves, and other protective gear. It looks and feels pretty scary.

In reflecting about my experience in confinement at home. I must admit that during the first few days or weeks living alone, I felt very stressed out. To minimize the stress, I tried to keep busy. I start activities that I’d not had the time to do during my busy regular teaching schedule. I start to paint, playing the piano, and assembling small pieces of furniture.

During the first three weeks, I divided my daily routine into sections. Exercise and breakfast, online teaching and lunch, hobbies and afternoon tea, and dinner and Netflix. However, the idea of confinement without the freedom to walk around the city sent signals to my brain. Once in a while, making me feel like a caged wild animal hence raising my stress level high peak.

During the fourth week, however there was a small transformation in the way I was experiencing my confinement. I began to accept the new situation and I started taking interest in new ways to communicate with my students and my friends. I learned about new technology platforms I had never heard of and I found the challenge very educational and rewarding. Teaching online and communicating with small groups of students via video conferencing has been successful in terms of targeting leveled groups of students more efficiently. 

We just began our 9th week of confinement and I realized how much I miss the direct contact with my students. I have not seen a person for a very long time. And if I have, it has been for no more than five minutes and at a six feet distance. The social distancing that I know is required to keep everyone safe, has proven to be the hardest and most unsettling consequence of this situation of confinement.

“The idea of confinement… sent signals to my brain… making me feel like a caged wild animal.”

Yes, I believe that I can target students directly and they seem to be engaged in our online lessons. However, the fact that I can’t give them a pat on the back or a hug when they did something right is a high price to pay.

The question is- When will this be over? Like you, I am wondering when I will be allowed to go back to work, walk in the park, or dine at a restaurant. However, I believe our lives will not ever resume as if nothing had occurred. Mostly, I believe that the legacy of this crisis is here to stay for years to come changing the way we interact with each other. I am not only talking about technology, which has proven to be a great tool in this crisis, but also human to human interactions. 

“I believe that the legacy of this crisis is changing the way we interact with each other.“

In the future, I, personally, envision myself being cautious while interacting with others. To hug or kiss others and believe me, I love hugging my students, friends, and relatives as much as I need to be hugged and kissed by them. But the fear and trauma inflicted by COVID-19 has made me cautious. The consequences of this situation have proven to be very pricey. I am not sure how the “new normal” will look, but I am not very hopeful about our future. COVID-19 you are small, but you certainly have shaken our lives in a very short time. I will not forgive you!

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How I am Adapting and Learning to Co-Parent by Rei

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How I am Adapting and Learning to Co-Parent

By Rei

One of the main reasons that I was hesitant to get a divorce was because of the idea of co-parenting. I didn’t want my children to get confused having different rules. At the time of my divorce, my kids were only 5 and 1. We went through many changes: new environments such as school, living place/area. It was a tough year, my kids and I were living in LA while my ex was living in Canada for work.

Since the kids were so young, I had to be with them every second. I was always extremely exhausted and many times I seriously thought I would not survive another day. I didn’t know how to ask for help.

My main focus was my kids not being sad. I made sure that they were always tired going to bed. With kindergarten ending at noon, we spent hours at the park every single day or arranged play dates. I am fortunate and grateful to have amazing people around me while I was going through the most difficult time. 

“I am fortunate and grateful to have amazing people around me.”

The following year, their dad came back to the US. It was quite an argument in the beginning as he forgot how to take care of kids. And of course, we are different people. Though I personally don’t want to spend time with my ex, we spent many events together. I share pictures and videos for any missed events.  All for the kids. I want my kids to grow up with their dad since he wants to be around them. I have the role of the tough parent, and go through non-fun activities with them but that’s ok. We both express our love for the kids in different ways.  As kids are growing up, they have less physical care from parents; I think we came to the point that we no longer have much disagreement. (Hopefully!) I am also learning to ask for help. “Receiving is giving.”

“Receiving is giving.”

One thing I finally got from the divorce was appreciation from my ex. He always had something to say about my motherhood. I don’t need anyone’s approval. But I only wanted to be approved by him that I am a good mother.I guess because being a mom is not something that comes naturally to me. I have to put in extra work. He finally realized and saw that after the divorce. 

I don’t regret for one second getting divorced. I had held on to the idea of being ”married” and “family” for so long that I lost the true meaning of marriage and family. No matter what the relationship between my ex-husband and I is, we both love our children. 

“As long as they feel the love from us, I know they will be ok.”

I was always there for my kids. My kids always have happy drawings and their behaviors seem ok so far. They are both caring children. As long as they feel the love from us, I know they will be ok. 

After all, everything happens for a reason.

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Is a Woman’s Life Over at 60? by Marquesa Lola

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Is a Woman’s Life Over at 60?

By Marquesa Lola

This is Marquesa Lola. I am a mature woman wounded emotionally by a partner and suddenly finding myself single again after 40 years. Is a woman’s life over at 60? I proclaim to the world that I refuse to wither and fade because society believes my life is over. My life just began!

When a man turns 60, he is at the prime of his career. He can even be the president of a powerful corporation or even a country. If he is in a position of power, or money, he becomes a magnet for women and friends. He buys a porsche, wears colorful shirts, talks like a 30 year old, and walks through life thinking he is a “god” even when his prostate is the size of a melon.

“I proclaim to the world that I refuse to wither and fade because society believes my life is over.”

But, Oh! The irony!  A woman turns 60; she has worked all her life at home and outside the home. As a young woman , she was a modern girl, and she was made believe a career would give her life and financial independence, but all it did was add eight extra working hours to the already demanding  job she earned as a homemaker and mother once she is married.  

She may have ended up building a nice career and felt she contributed to the world and society as well as to her personal fulfillment. That is a great feeling, but now at 60 she is expected to think about retirement to spend more time with her family, take a few trips, host Thanksgiving feast, and perhaps take care of a grandchild.  

At the same time, that older woman becomes invisible to people and men in particular. Her hair is cut shorter, and if she happens to have plastic surgery, she is called pathetic.  

Even though these are true facts for some women, I can’t help but think that it is exactly what society (men) expects us to become when we are older. So I refuse to comply.  NOT ME, and I speak for many women. We, older women, know first hand that 60 is the new 40. Whether you happen to be with or without a partner, you owe it to yourself to get  another chance to renew your appetite for adventure, start a new career, a new relationship, set new personal goals, find beauty in mundane things and begin a renovated fulfilling life. 

It is a marvelous time to be confident, to be your own master without the inhibitions younger generations hold. At 60 I am wiser, bolder, and many times fearless. I wear mini skirts, colorful dresses, or blue berets. I don’t care about what anyone thinks because I want to live for the moment and for the kick of it. 

“It is a marvelous time to be confident, to be your own master.”

If you are like me in your 50s or 60s, get healthy, train for your first half marathon, get the brightest, shortest dress you can handle and go dancing, clubbing, go to have dinner on your own (after all, you are your best friend), study a new degree, start your own company, travel alone, find a new friend on Tinder.

Do anything you wanted to do when you were younger that you set aside because you could not fit it in your busy schedule. Live life again. Girl, you still got it! You deserve it! The next 30 years are the best years yet to come.

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My New Journey: Writing A Blog by Rei

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My New Journey: Writing A Blog

By Rei

Writing a blog is just hard….at least for me. I had no idea how challenging this would be. 

When I was first approached with this opportunity, my reaction was “Why do I want to tell the world my life, especially things that I overcome?? You know that I am private.” Their vision was by sharing my story I could heal myself and others.

Never thought of that. I said “YES” immediately. It was unlike me. Something inside answered for me and told me that I had to go with the flow. This opportunity came for a reason. As I always say that everything happens for a reason. 

Months went by, I no longer feel the need of healing myself, yet I still want to be a part of spreading the love by sharing my stories. Even if I can only reach a single person’s heart. 

“I want to be a part of spreading the love by sharing my stories.”

I am not a good writer neither in Japanese nor English… I realized that through this process. 

Last week, the Coronavirus topic was just hard to put together. My mind was just all over the place with different thoughts and experiences. The more I have to clarify my writing, the more frustrated I get because they don’t understand me…trapped by low energy. Besides daily stress, being a mom and now a teacher because of quarantine, I now have more stress because of the blog. I had self doubt doing the blog. That is when low-self esteem hits.

“Being a part of this community is my new journey.”

Life is just so unexpected. Though we all choose our own paths before being born. Being a part of this community is my new journey. Please bear with me. 

P.S. Being a teacher is a HARD JOB!

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Manifesting My Pug Dreams by Abbie Vanessa

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Manifesting My Pug Dreams

By Abbie Vanessa

MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE! I have always loved the idea of owning a pug. It was my mission to manifest my pug dreams.

I loved this beautiful creature long before meeting him. Winston Pasqual Frijolito is the name of my baby boy. Let me tell you he is far from boring! If he was a human he would be the guy you would love to be around. So confidently dorky that it made him so likable.

I waited a few years before actually getting him. Mostly because I wanted to make sure I would be able to give him the best life. I am talking about the spoiled life. About a year ago I told myself that it was time. I was finally in a position at work where my hours were flexible enough to own my dream pug, and to be able to have him with me 24/7. Living at home brought a big challenge my way. What is that challenge?? Well, I call her “Mom.” 

My mom is a very neat and organized person. Having an inside dog would interfere with her spotless house. Frustration would take over my mother whenever the conversation of me randomly showing up with a pug would come up. I thought to myself.. how will I get this woman to love pugs as much as I do? I decided to go to Michael’s Arts and Craft store to buy paint and the biggest canvases I could find. My diabolical plan was in full effect: paint pugs in different situations and outfits with the hope she would fall in love with them. Along with bombarding her phone with cute pug photos. I would randomly text her photos of pugs while she was at work just to keep them relevant.

Let me tell you guys… My plan worked!! I knew harassing her with pug photos and paintings would eventually break the woman!! All the cuteness could not be ignored! I played it off like I wasn’t the happiest person on earth. Told her I’ll look into a few pups. We had a talk about how he would be an inside dog. Once I moved away she wouldn’t have to worry about it.

“I was going to manifest my dream of having a pug no matter what.”

I was looking up different rescues for months; it was exhausting! My goal was to adopt a pug that was at least a year old. It was such a hard search because there were so many requirements to even apply to adopt. Then one day, a friend sent me a post of this female pug that needed a new home; she was a year and a half. I thought OMG, I need to jump on this quickly.

I checked off all of the requirements asked for. The adoption lady kept postponing meeting up. It was frustrating. I waited for two weeks and I never got a call saying if I was getting her or not. The day after new years I said “Fuck it I’m going to look online one more time.” I was going to manifest my dream of having a pug no matter what. I came across a man who had one pug puppy left from the litter. I was hesitant at first because puppies are a lot of work. Especially, since I had envisioned myself adopting an older dog. Was I prepared to be the mom of a baby pug? As soon as I saw the photo of him the answer was “Hell YES!” 

The day I picked up my little one was the best day of my life! I can’t imagine my life without him anymore. He was born on November 10th, which is now a date I will definitely never forget. A day that will forever be engraved in my heart. I wake up every morning to his handsome face. Everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me. He is a little sassy with a lot of personality. I am proud to say that is all me right there.

“Everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me.“

The toughest part about this experience was getting the confidence and believing that I would be a great dog parent. Regardless of what others say about getting an animal. It’s funny how people inflict fear and doubt when I brought up the idea of me one day owning my pug. Here’s the thing, I understand that there’s a different level of responsibility about owning another living creature, but I did not listen to anybody except myself.

My entire life has been filled with unpredictable, hard, shitty situations I still figured them out and bounced back. I figured, I rather live this life with the one thing I know will make me the happiest and no one can stop me. I control manifesting my happiness. Winston Pasquale Frijolito is the best gift this world has ever provided for me (also my family and friends, but this is not about them right now).

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